I have felt absent from this space. Mostly due to just not knowing how to put words to what life is for us right now. It hasn't even felt right to just post photos and updates, which has always been this place's primary purpose. I don't keep baby books, I don't even know where Evelyn's is that I started for her. I want to write down my family's memories somewhere that they can one day read them. Our family's story right now though is one of brokenness. It's one of hope deferred and sick hearts.
We had another adoption fail.
How is that even possible? How have we become the major outlier of all the statistics and be living a story that defies reality? Most days I can't wrap my mind around it.
At some point in this journey I started to feel very much alone. Our continued effort to adopt doesn't make sense to most; and with good reason. All signs point to us most likely being done trying. It's not as easy a conclusion to come to as it may seem. On one hand, of course it makes sense to just walk away. Not subject ourselves to more heartache and loss. But the reality is that I have poured my heart and soul into this effort for years now and to pack up and walk away leaves me with a sense of more grief and loss than I can wrap my head around right now.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Annie - 5 Years Old! (and 6 weeks...)
I try second child. I try. Here we go, on your older sister's birthday. I finally got around to doing your birthday interview. I love you no less. I promise.
Who is your best friend? Brayden and Julia
What's your favorite color? Turquoise
What's your favorite thing to wear? My pink fluffy dress.
What's your favorite animal? A dolphin
What's your favorite thing to do? Snuggle with mommy and watch movies.
What's your favorite food? Marshmallows
What's your favorite show? Bo on the Go
What's your favorite thing to do when we go to Iowa? Play Barbies!!!
What's your favorite thing to do with daddy? Go to the Lake of the Ozarks.
What's your favorite thing to do with mommy? Rest
What do you want to be when you grow up? A dolphin trainer.
What do you want people to know about you? That I like to eat cake. A lot.
Sweet girl, you are 5 and in Kindergarten. You are such an interesting little human. You are so different from your big sister in all your own unique ways. You are intense, passionate, joyful, and dependent. You like to rely on others to show you love to you by doing things for you. You aren't big into having lots of close friends, but prefer to do things on your own. You would rather hang out inside than play outside. If given the option, a snack and movie is always your top choice. You won't let mom and dad leave your presence without a hug, kiss, and kissing hand. You are bright and pick up on math and reading like it comes naturally to you. You are also graceful and adorable and sometimes your dad and I just look at you with wonder.
Love you so much sweet little lady.
Who is your best friend? Brayden and Julia
What's your favorite color? Turquoise
What's your favorite thing to wear? My pink fluffy dress.
What's your favorite animal? A dolphin
What's your favorite thing to do? Snuggle with mommy and watch movies.
What's your favorite food? Marshmallows
What's your favorite show? Bo on the Go
What's your favorite thing to do when we go to Iowa? Play Barbies!!!
What's your favorite thing to do with daddy? Go to the Lake of the Ozarks.
What's your favorite thing to do with mommy? Rest
What do you want to be when you grow up? A dolphin trainer.
What do you want people to know about you? That I like to eat cake. A lot.
Sweet girl, you are 5 and in Kindergarten. You are such an interesting little human. You are so different from your big sister in all your own unique ways. You are intense, passionate, joyful, and dependent. You like to rely on others to show you love to you by doing things for you. You aren't big into having lots of close friends, but prefer to do things on your own. You would rather hang out inside than play outside. If given the option, a snack and movie is always your top choice. You won't let mom and dad leave your presence without a hug, kiss, and kissing hand. You are bright and pick up on math and reading like it comes naturally to you. You are also graceful and adorable and sometimes your dad and I just look at you with wonder.
Love you so much sweet little lady.
Monday, August 24, 2015
One Month In
A month ago today we arrived back home to Kansas City. Working to breath. Working to function. Mostly not succeeding.
I didn't want to get out of bed. I couldn't sleep without taking something. Not even the employee at the grocery store could ask me how I was doing without me breaking down crying.
A month into it, I'm able to go parts of the day without thinking about the pain. Some nights I sleep without having to take something. I've made myself feel all the depths of grief this last couple years have brought us, hoping that if I can feel it all, then I have a chance of rising out of it. Some days it works, some days I just feel slammed by despair.
I have to regularly remind myself that this is all still fresh and its ok to be a mess. That after our other losses I was still hanging onto the idea that another situation would come along. But this time is different. Its not just losing this baby, the beautiful relationship I had with his mom, and future we had prepared for. Its letting go of the idea of a fourth child. Its changing the way I have to picture our family for the rest of our lives. This is most likely it for us.
I have to actively fight off bitterness about adoption cliches. There's always talk in the adoption world about being patient, your baby will find you, all the "nos" just bring you closer to your "yes", etc. Because what if none of those are true? What if you go through all the paperwork, money, time, energy, and attachments, only to at the end not have a baby and have to just be done? If the encouragement we give families who are in the midst of the adoption process don't hold true if there is no baby, then it simply isn't true. Because our story isn't the only of its kind. Not all families that set out to adopt end up with babies in their arms.
While in the process it was just a lot easier to assume it wouldn't happen to us. Couldn't happen to us. And certainly not this many times.
So we are still working on embracing our new reality. Making plans. Taking vacations. Dreaming about the future.
Please continue to pray for us, encourage us, and walk with us. We won't be miserable forever. Eventually I will be able to go back to being a good friend, wife, and mom. I'm just giving myself a lot of grace right now and appreciate the grace we've been given from others.
I didn't want to get out of bed. I couldn't sleep without taking something. Not even the employee at the grocery store could ask me how I was doing without me breaking down crying.
A month into it, I'm able to go parts of the day without thinking about the pain. Some nights I sleep without having to take something. I've made myself feel all the depths of grief this last couple years have brought us, hoping that if I can feel it all, then I have a chance of rising out of it. Some days it works, some days I just feel slammed by despair.
I have to regularly remind myself that this is all still fresh and its ok to be a mess. That after our other losses I was still hanging onto the idea that another situation would come along. But this time is different. Its not just losing this baby, the beautiful relationship I had with his mom, and future we had prepared for. Its letting go of the idea of a fourth child. Its changing the way I have to picture our family for the rest of our lives. This is most likely it for us.
I have to actively fight off bitterness about adoption cliches. There's always talk in the adoption world about being patient, your baby will find you, all the "nos" just bring you closer to your "yes", etc. Because what if none of those are true? What if you go through all the paperwork, money, time, energy, and attachments, only to at the end not have a baby and have to just be done? If the encouragement we give families who are in the midst of the adoption process don't hold true if there is no baby, then it simply isn't true. Because our story isn't the only of its kind. Not all families that set out to adopt end up with babies in their arms.
While in the process it was just a lot easier to assume it wouldn't happen to us. Couldn't happen to us. And certainly not this many times.
So we are still working on embracing our new reality. Making plans. Taking vacations. Dreaming about the future.
Please continue to pray for us, encourage us, and walk with us. We won't be miserable forever. Eventually I will be able to go back to being a good friend, wife, and mom. I'm just giving myself a lot of grace right now and appreciate the grace we've been given from others.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Things I Love Right Now
Here's things that are bringing me moments of joy or calm amidst the crazy and the painful.
Teavana Oprah Chai: This stuff is amazing. You know how in the fall everyone comes out with pumpkin pie spice flavored everything? And because I'm a White girl wearing leggings as pants, I buy it all even though it all tastes like fake syrup? Well this ACTUALLY tastes like pumpkin pie spice brewed to deliciousness. I add a little honey and milk and because it's caffeine free, I drink some in the evening to relax.
Shea Moisture Treatment Masque: The summer sun, humidity, and water have been brutal to my curls. So I can pour a glass of wine, hop in the tub, and coat my hair in this to attempt to revive it. All Shea Moisture products smell heavenly, and this one is no exception.
Netflix: We just signed back up, and the kids have been loving the unlimited screen time the stress in our lives have afforded them!
Carry On Warrior by Glennon Doyle: You know when you read a book that feels like balm and makes you want to buy a case of them and send it to lots of people? THAT IS THIS BOOK. I'm listening to it on Audible, because I also love audible.com right now. If life is just sucky, and you don't understand God, and what in the world is going on? This book.
Brain Andreas: Long ago he was a favorite of mine, and I somehow forgot about him until a couple days ago. Now I'm obsessed again and filled Abe's room with his art and poetry. Here's some of my favorites.
Teavana Oprah Chai: This stuff is amazing. You know how in the fall everyone comes out with pumpkin pie spice flavored everything? And because I'm a White girl wearing leggings as pants, I buy it all even though it all tastes like fake syrup? Well this ACTUALLY tastes like pumpkin pie spice brewed to deliciousness. I add a little honey and milk and because it's caffeine free, I drink some in the evening to relax.
Shea Moisture Treatment Masque: The summer sun, humidity, and water have been brutal to my curls. So I can pour a glass of wine, hop in the tub, and coat my hair in this to attempt to revive it. All Shea Moisture products smell heavenly, and this one is no exception.
Netflix: We just signed back up, and the kids have been loving the unlimited screen time the stress in our lives have afforded them!
Carry On Warrior by Glennon Doyle: You know when you read a book that feels like balm and makes you want to buy a case of them and send it to lots of people? THAT IS THIS BOOK. I'm listening to it on Audible, because I also love audible.com right now. If life is just sucky, and you don't understand God, and what in the world is going on? This book.
Brain Andreas: Long ago he was a favorite of mine, and I somehow forgot about him until a couple days ago. Now I'm obsessed again and filled Abe's room with his art and poetry. Here's some of my favorites.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
For Want of Four
The answer was yes. When Abraham was born, we jointly decided that if his birth mom ever found herself in a situation where she needed to place another baby, the answer would automatically be yes. No questions. No consulting one another. Just yes.
So when I got that call two and a half years, I said yes. Then called Scott freaking out, crying, and with much joy.
She wasn't sure what she needed to do. The decision, while her own, was influenced by many moving parts in her life. In the end, she decided that baby needed to stay with her. We were sad, but with that baby a seed was planted in our hearts that we had room in our lives for one more.
One more very wanted baby.
So a year after his birth, we finished up our home study and were set for a fourth. If you've followed here for long, you know we were matched very quickly and poured our hearts into a woman just a few hours from us in Kansas who changed her mind about adoption at the last minute.
With broken hearts and spirits, we mourned, then picked up the pieces and started being shown again.
We got another call from Abe's birth mom. A friend of hers was pregnant and wanted the baby to grow up with Abe. It was a dire situation for this woman. She needed out, and we did all we could to get her to a place of safety and stability. She ended up miscarrying that baby in some tragic circumstances, so again, we mourned. For her and for that baby.
Then I heard of an expectant mom in Michigan who needed a family for her child. She couldn't find one that felt just right to her, but after praying over a stack of profiles, she found us and quit looking. We again, with abandon, poured our hearts and lives into her and this baby.
I received a call two weeks before the fourth of July asking me to come adopt the baby in Kansas who was now four months old. I drove out to pick him up. I held him, played with him, and fell completely in love. She decided she needed two more weeks to say goodbye and tell her other children when they returned from grandma's house. She texted me a week later to say a friend convinced her to go through with it.
Then last week it all fell apart... again. The baby in Michigan a week old now and in the NICU and we are home, without him. While we cling to a sliver of hope that he will indeed end up with us, its fading fast. Paternity test and then further decisions will decide where he ends up.
And sometimes the mourning just takes over. How many times can this happen to one family? Is this really what we were supposed to do?
The road forward from here isn't one toward another child. Its one of moving forward with our three because at this point we have reached a point of emotional and financial exhaustion.
The thought of loving big again doesn't even feel possible.
And yet the longing for a fourth didn't go anywhere. Its still there. The nursery still sits empty. Our hearts are still in it.
So when I got that call two and a half years, I said yes. Then called Scott freaking out, crying, and with much joy.
She wasn't sure what she needed to do. The decision, while her own, was influenced by many moving parts in her life. In the end, she decided that baby needed to stay with her. We were sad, but with that baby a seed was planted in our hearts that we had room in our lives for one more.
One more very wanted baby.
So a year after his birth, we finished up our home study and were set for a fourth. If you've followed here for long, you know we were matched very quickly and poured our hearts into a woman just a few hours from us in Kansas who changed her mind about adoption at the last minute.
With broken hearts and spirits, we mourned, then picked up the pieces and started being shown again.
We got another call from Abe's birth mom. A friend of hers was pregnant and wanted the baby to grow up with Abe. It was a dire situation for this woman. She needed out, and we did all we could to get her to a place of safety and stability. She ended up miscarrying that baby in some tragic circumstances, so again, we mourned. For her and for that baby.
Then I heard of an expectant mom in Michigan who needed a family for her child. She couldn't find one that felt just right to her, but after praying over a stack of profiles, she found us and quit looking. We again, with abandon, poured our hearts and lives into her and this baby.
I received a call two weeks before the fourth of July asking me to come adopt the baby in Kansas who was now four months old. I drove out to pick him up. I held him, played with him, and fell completely in love. She decided she needed two more weeks to say goodbye and tell her other children when they returned from grandma's house. She texted me a week later to say a friend convinced her to go through with it.
Then last week it all fell apart... again. The baby in Michigan a week old now and in the NICU and we are home, without him. While we cling to a sliver of hope that he will indeed end up with us, its fading fast. Paternity test and then further decisions will decide where he ends up.
And sometimes the mourning just takes over. How many times can this happen to one family? Is this really what we were supposed to do?
The road forward from here isn't one toward another child. Its one of moving forward with our three because at this point we have reached a point of emotional and financial exhaustion.
The thought of loving big again doesn't even feel possible.
And yet the longing for a fourth didn't go anywhere. Its still there. The nursery still sits empty. Our hearts are still in it.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Abraham is 3!
He may be the most loved and adored 3-year-old ever. Except when he decides to unsleep in the middle of the night. We could do without that big guy.
He's talking up a storm though. His vocabulary keeps leaping and he's saying lots of long sentences and new words.
His favorite food is chicken nuggets. He won't turn down BBQ though.
He's attempting to drop his nap while I'm attempting to not let him.
He is so ready to be a big brother. He adores babies and talks often about our new baby.
He knows all his colors and can count. He's starting to enjoy imaginative play with his sisters, and is getting closer and closer with Annie which is fun to watch as he used to always favor Evelyn.
And in most exciting news...he potty trained! No more daytime diapers! He's very independent with it as well. When at home he often won't even tell me he has to go, just asks for help in getting his shorts back on afterward. It's a miracle.
So basically he's the most amazing kid ever.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Summer in Full Swing!
We are a few weeks into summer, and while trying to get the calendar all updated (and overflowing...how does that happen??) I realized the kids go back to school two months from today. Wild. We've got a lot to fit into two months.
We've already fit a lot into the last 3 weeks!
Life doesn't appear to ever slow down for us. I keep thinking that the new approaching season will finally be a break from the busy, but it never really happens.
Scott just hit his one year anniversary at his job. The hours are a lot nicer. We usually see him for dinner and there's rarely work required on the weekends. But, he also travels a lot more. It seems like at least once a month he's flying somewhere as well as driving to speak throughout Missouri and Kansas.
I'm occasionally sitting down these days, but it feels rare. On top of caring for three very active kids, I've taken on a roll as CASA volunteer. So in what has turned out to be almost the equivalent time-wise of a part-time job, I get to advocate for a large sibling group who is currently in foster care. I've never found something I enjoy doing like I enjoy this. It's stressful to get accomplished and done well, but it's been so rewarding for me.
The house seems perpetually messy, dishes and laundry never caught up, and the to do list only shrinks, never disappears these days. We are still trying to figure out a balance of how to get the stuff accomplished I've always done in the past when my time feels much more constrained. Not to mention, with the kids being older, they are busier and need out of the house more too!
It's into this that we are so excited to add a new baby. Maybe we are crazy, but I am so, so excited. In a weird and good way, babies slow me down. You are more home bound. Have to be more intentional with your time. And no one expects the house to be clean or meals to be cooked when there's a newborn in the house. I will use that as my excuse.
And speaking of the baby...IT'S A BOY! In a strange turn of events, Scott and I ended up spending the weekend in Nashville with the expectant mom we are matched with when she went into preterm labor while at a family reunion. Thankfully the baby stayed in, and she is safely back home in Michigan now. The weekend ended up being such a great time though. I got to spend a full two days with her and we had about as much fun as you can have in a hospital on bed rest.
So we are gearing up for baby to come anytime now. We really, really hope he will stay in until at least July when he will be 30 weeks gestation. Making it to August though would be huge!
We've already fit a lot into the last 3 weeks!
Life doesn't appear to ever slow down for us. I keep thinking that the new approaching season will finally be a break from the busy, but it never really happens.
Scott just hit his one year anniversary at his job. The hours are a lot nicer. We usually see him for dinner and there's rarely work required on the weekends. But, he also travels a lot more. It seems like at least once a month he's flying somewhere as well as driving to speak throughout Missouri and Kansas.
I'm occasionally sitting down these days, but it feels rare. On top of caring for three very active kids, I've taken on a roll as CASA volunteer. So in what has turned out to be almost the equivalent time-wise of a part-time job, I get to advocate for a large sibling group who is currently in foster care. I've never found something I enjoy doing like I enjoy this. It's stressful to get accomplished and done well, but it's been so rewarding for me.
The house seems perpetually messy, dishes and laundry never caught up, and the to do list only shrinks, never disappears these days. We are still trying to figure out a balance of how to get the stuff accomplished I've always done in the past when my time feels much more constrained. Not to mention, with the kids being older, they are busier and need out of the house more too!
It's into this that we are so excited to add a new baby. Maybe we are crazy, but I am so, so excited. In a weird and good way, babies slow me down. You are more home bound. Have to be more intentional with your time. And no one expects the house to be clean or meals to be cooked when there's a newborn in the house. I will use that as my excuse.
And speaking of the baby...IT'S A BOY! In a strange turn of events, Scott and I ended up spending the weekend in Nashville with the expectant mom we are matched with when she went into preterm labor while at a family reunion. Thankfully the baby stayed in, and she is safely back home in Michigan now. The weekend ended up being such a great time though. I got to spend a full two days with her and we had about as much fun as you can have in a hospital on bed rest.
So we are gearing up for baby to come anytime now. We really, really hope he will stay in until at least July when he will be 30 weeks gestation. Making it to August though would be huge!
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