A month ago today we arrived back home to Kansas City. Working to breath. Working to function. Mostly not succeeding.
I didn't want to get out of bed. I couldn't sleep without taking something. Not even the employee at the grocery store could ask me how I was doing without me breaking down crying.
A month into it, I'm able to go parts of the day without thinking about the pain. Some nights I sleep without having to take something. I've made myself feel all the depths of grief this last couple years have brought us, hoping that if I can feel it all, then I have a chance of rising out of it. Some days it works, some days I just feel slammed by despair.
I have to regularly remind myself that this is all still fresh and its ok to be a mess. That after our other losses I was still hanging onto the idea that another situation would come along. But this time is different. Its not just losing this baby, the beautiful relationship I had with his mom, and future we had prepared for. Its letting go of the idea of a fourth child. Its changing the way I have to picture our family for the rest of our lives. This is most likely it for us.
I have to actively fight off bitterness about adoption cliches. There's always talk in the adoption world about being patient, your baby will find you, all the "nos" just bring you closer to your "yes", etc. Because what if none of those are true? What if you go through all the paperwork, money, time, energy, and attachments, only to at the end not have a baby and have to just be done? If the encouragement we give families who are in the midst of the adoption process don't hold true if there is no baby, then it simply isn't true. Because our story isn't the only of its kind. Not all families that set out to adopt end up with babies in their arms.
While in the process it was just a lot easier to assume it wouldn't happen to us. Couldn't happen to us. And certainly not this many times.
So we are still working on embracing our new reality. Making plans. Taking vacations. Dreaming about the future.
Please continue to pray for us, encourage us, and walk with us. We won't be miserable forever. Eventually I will be able to go back to being a good friend, wife, and mom. I'm just giving myself a lot of grace right now and appreciate the grace we've been given from others.