I have felt absent from this space. Mostly due to just not knowing how to put words to what life is for us right now. It hasn't even felt right to just post photos and updates, which has always been this place's primary purpose. I don't keep baby books, I don't even know where Evelyn's is that I started for her. I want to write down my family's memories somewhere that they can one day read them. Our family's story right now though is one of brokenness. It's one of hope deferred and sick hearts.
We had another adoption fail.
How is that even possible? How have we become the major outlier of all the statistics and be living a story that defies reality? Most days I can't wrap my mind around it.
At some point in this journey I started to feel very much alone. Our continued effort to adopt doesn't make sense to most; and with good reason. All signs point to us most likely being done trying. It's not as easy a conclusion to come to as it may seem. On one hand, of course it makes sense to just walk away. Not subject ourselves to more heartache and loss. But the reality is that I have poured my heart and soul into this effort for years now and to pack up and walk away leaves me with a sense of more grief and loss than I can wrap my head around right now.