Abraham: 3 Months

I never got a two month post up for sweet babes because this was happening.  But, he's healthy now!

So here we go.  3 months.

You've almost reached 12 pounds little peanut.

You still love being worn by mom above all else.  Although eating comes in a close second. 

You hold yourself up on your tummy really well.

You giggle, and I completely turn to mush inside. 

Smiles are pretty easy to come by.

Sleep, however, is not quite as easy.  You are king of the 45 minute nap silly boy.  You're only up 2-3 times a night after a long stretch of sleep at the beginning.  You still prefer to swaddled. 

I love you more than I thought possible.  You fit so beautifully into our family that I can't imagine my days without you.

When We Weren't Dealing With Staph and Zinc

...summer happened.  Here's a glance back at all things non-illness that happened over the last few months.

Scott started doing date night with the girls.  It's a big hit.

These two became really good buddies.  They have a really amazing bond.

We went to Iowa and Abraham got to meet some more family.

We managed to get all of our children, niece, and nephews all in one photo.

This one turned two.

We hosted lots of get togethers.

Learned how unexciting it is to travel with three children in the car for hours.

Visited the KC acquarium.

Some lovely friends hosted a baby shower for me.  Much appreciated.

Four generations of Behrens men got into one photo.

We went to Adventureland.

Annie learned she doesn't like rides in general, particularly water ones.

Abraham discovered that there are animals above his head in his swing.

We managed to have a date night.

We figured out how to get us all dressed and out the door for church and I got to dress Abraham like his daddy.

The girls started sharing a bed and room and therefore started getting up REALLY early.

This beautiful girl turned four!

She got her first two-wheeler.

And convinced mommy to drop her prior non-Disney princess house convictions.

We will miss summer, but I will try to embrace my sweaters. 

End of Summer Pie

I mourn the end of summer.  While I really do enjoy fall weather, as the air turns colder that means winter is on it's way and there's really nothing about winter I like.  Except Christmas.

In fact, we've clung to summer so much that one cool morning when the girls wanted to swim in the pool, I warmed up stock pots full of water to pour in so that we could get one more use out of it.

So as a new way to refuse to accept the end of summer, I bring you gluten-free Key Lime Pie.  Delish.  It's gluten-free, but not healthy.  You can pretend it is though when you realize you've eaten half of it in one sitting.

Unfortunately I have no photos of it to share with you.  Blog fail.

Key Lime Pie

Crust:
1 box Smoreables gluten-free graham crackers
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup sugar

Filling:
 2 cans sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup sour cream
3/4 cup key lime juice

Topping:
cream
sugar

Directions:

1) In your food processor, turn those graham crackers into crumbs.  Combine with sugar and butter and press into a pie plate.  Bake for 5 min. at 350.

2) Whisk together filling ingredients.  Pour into baked crust.  Bake for 8-9 minutes at 350.  No longer!  You don't want browning.  You just want to set the filling.

3) With your mixer (or if you have arms of steel with a whisk), beat the cream and sugar until you get it nice and fluffy.  This is not an exact science.  If you like just a little whipped cream on each piece, don't make much.  If you like to slather the top of your pie, plan accordingly.  Some like their whipped cream sweeter than others, just keep adding sugar and taste testing until it's how you like it.

4) Chill in the fridge for 6 hours.

Voila.

That's really it.  Super easy and amazingly delicious.

Looking for more pie inspiration?  My friend Leslie is an amazing baker and has a pie blog.  She lives down the street from me so I get to sample these delights.  I'm getting chubbier just thinking about it. 

I'm Not Enough For Him

We are back home, and life is returning to a new normal.  A normal with three children, three and under.  Mass quantities of meals, snacks, diapers, and burp rags.  And yet I assure you that the last month has changed things in my heart. 

While I would never again wish to go through such an experience, so much growth can occur in your life when you are staring down a harsh reality.

So many of the things I hung my hat on and sinfully found my identity in went flying out the window faster than I could possibly imagine. 

As I watched my son receive his first two doses of antibiotics that were so strong they could potentially destroy his veins, I was reminded of my proud heart.  I once took pride in the fact that I had never had a child on internal antibiotics.  I just didn't care anymore though.  My beautiful son lay sleeping in my arms, passed out for the intensity of the pain he had just gone through.  Who cares if I'd been able to keep the girls off antibiotics, all I wanted my son to be well. 

Organic lotions were traded for mass quantities of petroleum jelly.  Cloth diapers were swapped out with disposables.  Amber necklaces and calming essential oils were replaced with narcotics. 

It was definitely a time of stretching for me and a giving up of the control I thought I had. 

I was mulling this all over tonight as I fed Abraham a bottle.  2 1/2 months into life and he had never before received a bottle out of necessity.  I had to supplement for the first time in his life.  I thought this day would be hard for me, but the reality of it just didn't seem like a big deal after all we'd been through. 

My identity as a mom is not wrapped up in him not needing bottles, or antibiotics, or pain medication.  His life is so, so much more than that. 

As I watched him greedily and hungrily suck that milk down there was a sense of relief.  Of not having to meet a standard of being all he needs.  I will never be all he needs, and his need for a bottle is a beautiful reminder of that. 

He needed more than me when he was first conceived; when his birthmom decided that he was not a choice, but a child who deserved LIFE. 

He needed more than me when I walked into that emergency room and handed him over to be poked and prodded in the search for answers.

He needed more than me tonight when he was still hungry after nursing.

He will need more than me, more than anything this world can give him in fact, as he grows into a man.  I pray that he comes to recognize that and has as much peace with it as I do now. 

I look back at the last month and it's so easy to say, "Why, Lord??  Why my precious son?"  And I don't know why, but I do know this.  The picture of my son lying helpless in a hospital bed and me being powerless to do anything about it is the closest picture I can come to of how I need to feel about the condition of my own heart.  My sin has reeked more havoc on my heart and mind than staph did to Abraham's skin and I am powerless to do anything about it.  My attempts to fix myself and make myself right before God were akin to my attempts to make him better by rubbing yeast cream on a staph infection.  But, God chose to spare Abraham and he chose to spare me.  So in that, I can rejoice.  

In The Woods

This is my beautiful son.

And his gorgeous brown skin.

One of the most loved little brother's in all of history.  I want him to have that skin back with everything in me.

The pictures in the last post are not those of a yeast rash as he was diagnosed.  It took a trip to the ER, 6 IV attempts, 2 spinal taps, multiple blood draws, and a urine sample via catheter to find that out.  

It's actually staph scalded skin.

Bacteria in his little body is growing and shedding toxins that are literally burning the skin off his frame.

After 5 days and 4 nights in the hospital, things looked to be under control.  The staph was dying off as a result of the strong IV antibiotics.

 Skin treatments ensued as we attempted to get his skin to heal and regenerate.

 He began to heal, and not be in pain for the first time in weeks.  We got to see his sweet smile and hear his coos and first attempts at making real noises. 

On the 5th day there they sent us home.  We joyfully packed our bags, picked up his prescription he would be on for the next 2 weeks, and rejoiced to be done with the pain and anguish that accompanied our time there.  We had the most incredible staff of nurses and doctors and were so well cared for, but hospitals are just not a fun place to be.

His first 2-3 days home went well.  He seemed to still be happy.  We were attempting to get him used to life back at home.  We thought we were out of the woods.

Then things started to get bad again.  His skin is showing signs of redness and peeling in areas where it was previously healed.  His demeanor is returning to one that shows us he is in pain.  His ability to sleep is diminishing.  All signs that the staph is still alive and well in his body.

We had a follow-up appointment yesterday and the doctors were not pleased.  They started him on another antibiotic in fear that the staph he has is becoming antibiotic resistant.  He has 24-48 hours from starting that to show improvement or we will be readmitted.  We just hit the 24 hour mark and while he is acting slightly more comfortable, he's not looking or sleeping any better.  We've been instructed to wait it out until tomorrow at his follow-up so they can reevaluate.  We've been told to come with our bags packed though if things don't look better.

If the staph migrates to his blood we will be in the ER though and then most likely the PICU.  We have to watch him very carefully for fever because that would be the first sign.   Thus the reason he is on no pain medication right now.

For now he's resting.  And we are mentally and emotionally preparing ourselves to be back in the hospital.  We greatly appreciate all the offers for help, shows of support, and prayers for our little fighter.

Update:  He is being hospitalized again.  The doctors are unsure why his skin in continuing to be red and not heal.  He is having an entire battery of tests run to try to get to the bottom of it.

The Last Few Weeks With Babyham

 Part 1 (I started this post a week ago, but life is cray-cray around here so it didn't get finished):


God, in his mercy, helps you forget what life is like with a newborn once you are out of that stage.  And then while you wait for your precious little bundle, you envision yourself rocking and snuggling, nursing and laying them down to sleep.  Cute, darling little babes. 

When the reality is thrust back upon you, it's a bit jarring.  Particularly when you have been graced with what is often labeled a "high needs baby".  In other words, a baby who has decided you never get to sleep ever again.  Ever. 

This is our world right now. 

He sleeps, kind of.  He hates life from about 5 p.m. until somewhere between 10:30 and midnight.  Lots of screaming and over exhaustion, but no real sleeping.  Forget about laying him down during this time.  Not gonna happen.  Then for the remainder of the night he sleeps in somewhere around 1 hour chunks interrupted by bouts of screaming and a little eating.  If you try to lay him down during the night you have decided to make your life miserable.  Moments after being laid down he will start to fuss before breaking out in a full blown scream.  No good mama.  Must.touch.flesh.to.sleep.

This was starting to improve, maybe, a little bit.  But then the rash happened. 

It seemed to come out of nowhere, he woke up one morning with a bad diaper rash.  My attempts to alleviate it all day didn't seem to improve anything.  Then after a few days it spread.  It was no longer just a diaper rash, it was on his cheeks and neck rolls, and then finally on the back of his head in his hair.  It's raw and painful and looks pretty awful.  If you touch it he screams. 

So now our days are filled with cleaning wounds, constant diaper changes to keep it dry (day and night), applying prescription creams and lotions, and trying to keep it from spreading. 

It's far from enjoyable and makes spending time enjoying our son hard.  And while suffering is an expected part of life, it's hard to embrace and accept it. 

Part 2 :

He's slooooowly healing.  His face is mostly healed, his neck is getting there, and his diaper area is pretty good.  But it's also spread some to his legs, arms and back.  So there's that.  Boo.  We've moved beyond the prescription cream to a prescription oral med to try to fight it off. 

Sleep is somewhat improved.  He was only up 4-5 times last night and spent most of the night in the co-sleeper instead of on me.  So odd to see that as success and improvement, but such is life right now. 

I'm going to attach some photos of the rash below, but if you're squeamish or icked out my medical stuff, you may just want to click the "X" now.

They're all iPhone photos, so not the best photo quality.  But really, you don't want quality pics of this.  





I warned you.





Seriously.

Annabelle: 2

 A post by our little Annie as she turns 2. 

"Mommy couch sit me."

"Mommy love you me."

"Sing Twinkle Twinkle."

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Go buh-by Costco?"

"Daddy!"

"NO!  Annie do it."

"Where sheepy?  Sheepy go too."

My sweet pumpkin you are growing and changing faster than I thought you would. 

You have willingly vacated the role of baby in the house and enthusiastically embraced toddlerhood with all it's independence, laughter, learning, willful defiance, and tantrums. 

You love to sing, watch movies, play with your sister, beat up on your sister, and pick out your own clothes. 


Your most recent accomplishments include being diaper free when awake, successfully consuming nothing but carbohydrates in a day, independently singing your ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and driving your mother to the brink of insanity and back with your antics. 

I'm so thankful I get to be your mommy.  Your sweet smile and the way you run to me shouting mommy when I get up each day are some of the highlights of life.  We'll ride out this thing called the terrible 2's together and be better for it in the end.