Monday, May 11, 2015

I've Become a Cynic

Abe asked me where his baby brother is today.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  There are lots of hearts in my home that are ready for a new little person to join us.  It was one more thing lain on my own weary heart.

The amount of brokenness in my life right now has left me feeling cynical.  Which really, is an awful place to be.  Cynicism is a defeated weariness.  I've developed so much scar tissue from the pain of the last 4 months that I don't even want to expose myself to anything.  I want to hide away from it all until its past.  I don't want to trust God because I am actively questioning his goodness at times.  I'm not able to find joy in this adoption journey because I'm too aware of the pain of waiting and the hurt of things falling apart to even dare trust or hope.  I avoid attempting to restore relationship with my dad because I know what it feels like to once again be betrayed and that restoring relationship means taking a person as they are, faults and all.  It often feels better to be numb than to feel the depths of everything that has gone on this year.

My prayers feel empty.  Phony.  Devoid of relationship.

So I'm taking some time to engage life in a more meaningful way.  Focusing more on relationships that feed my soul.  Spending my time reading on topics that speak to where I am right now rather than zoning out numbly online.  And figuring out what this all means for where God and I are.

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