Friday, February 27, 2015

Why do you ask?

I asked R when we were chatting today (yes, we still talk, open adoption plans make failed adoptions...complicated) whether or not she felt like she really did make the best decision.  She said she did.  That the reasons she thought she was making that decision have changed, but that she thinks it was good nonetheless.

Then she asked me, "Why'd you ask that?"

And it took me a bit.

I tried to allude the question a bit and just tell her I was having a hard day, feeling sad, and that it helped to know that she was happy.  All things that are very true.

But she asked for follow-up.

Well.  The last 2 months have sucked so, so hard.  Because my parents split up and I'm currently mostly estranged from my dad.  And then I lost the chance to parent Mordecai.  Then my mom's skin cancer came back.  All with the underpinnings of how last year ended so hard with conflict surrounding racial tensions and ideologies with family, friends, and church.

There were other hard things said by both of us.

The reality is that a lot of days and a lot of moments I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails.  Where I sit there and think that this can't all possibly be happening right now.

God and I have had some talks about this.  I've been angry with him.  Clung to him then pushed him away.  Because grief and processing aren't linear.  It's not as though each day I get a chance to feel a little bit better.

Some days you just feel like you survive and that's good enough.

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