I've been counting down to this day for the last 143 days.
It seemed so fitting that I would most likely be spending a day to celebrate love with the newest little love in our lives.
Instead, he's not born yet, and I may never get a chance to hold him. I'll still always love him, just not as my child, and not in a tangible way.
The stages of grief we have gone through in the last 2 weeks have been bitterly painful. We've had denial, depression, anger, despair, and peace. It generally shifts from one day to the next as well as throughout the day. We will get a new piece of information that crushes us or gives us hope. But in the end, the odds are not with us that we will ever get to parent this little boy and we have to come to accept that.
I hung a Bible verse on my bedroom wall when we were first matched that I clung to as we went through the 18 long weeks that we were matched.
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
So we rest in hope right now. Hope that doesn't disappoint the way circumstances in this world do. Hope that doesn't disappoint the way that an empty nursery does. Hope that doesn't disappoint us the way people do.
Hope right now feels like riding on top of ocean waves as they crash against the shore rather than trying to stand up to them letting them topple me over and pull me under. Because the waves are going to happen right now no matter what, so I have to cling to hope.