Malachi: 1 Month

I'm having big feelings about this.  My last baby.  My longed for, prayed for, and waited for baby.  I know as life gets busier and we come out of the newborn haze (it doesn't last forever, I keep telling myself that), I will forget to keep up with monthly updates on our little man.  But for now, when I remember, they will be posted.

We are spending our afternoon as we have come to spend more hours than I can count.  Malachi asleep on me.  While he will occasionally sleep independently, he by far prefers closeness.  Its been a good way for us to get to know each other.  He didn't have 9 months to learn my smell or voice, so we have now.  And I don't care if it means more work eventually getting him to decide his own bed is super awesome, I wouldn't trade our days (well, and nights) of bonding for anything.

He's getting big.  He's gained over 3 pounds since he was born and now weighs in at 10 lbs 8 oz.  He's wearing 0-3 month clothing and size 1 diapers.  He drinks 3-3.5 ounce bottles every 2-3 hours during the day and random quantities throughout the night.  Occasionally he lets us sleep, giving us a 4-5 hour stretch on his best nights.  His days are spent mostly napping, but he lets us see his eyes about 4-5 hours out of the day.

He's getting so round, and so happy.

This is one of those rare occasions of sleeping independently that must be captured.

Because this is more likely to be my view.

But, um, the crossed eyes and the armpit rolls.  I die.

I thought maybe propping him up would help.  It did something, that's for sure.

And this is his already being naughty and falling asleep not in the approved "hard mattress on back" position.  He feels very bad about it, clearly.

Malachi: 2 Weeks

Life is a bit of a blur right now.  Sleep deprivation and four kids is taking some adjusting!

But sweet little Malachi is growing like a weed.  He  already weighs 8 lbs. 7 oz. and is 20.25 inches long.  He only spends a few hours a day awake, and is a noisy little sleeper.  When he's awake he is a happy, observant baby who rarely cries unless he's hungry or tired.

We have gotten to visit with his birth mom a few times since he was born which has been really nice. She is doing really well and is enjoying having the adoption be open as opposed to the original plan to have a semi-open adoption.

How the Fourth Came To Be

The story of how our fourth child entered our family is long and messy.  It was a journey where we lost all sense of hope multiple times.  Where we beat the odds with number of adoptions falling through.  By October of last year, we were done.  We didn't have it in us to keep trying despite a strong desire for another child.

I had started to process the grief of the loss of a dream.  I was getting to a good place where I was going to be ok with three beautiful children instead of four.

Then one afternoon our attorney called us.  He was our attorney for Abraham's adoption and he had walked with us through all our losses.  He was so hopeful that we would be open to hear him out.  A woman had just called his office saying she was 6 months pregnant and after wrestling with the idea since she found out she was pregnant, she had decided that the child she was carrying would be placed for adoption.  He was going to meet with her in a couple days and after that would present her with prospective adoptive families.  Were we interested in being considered?

To be honest, at first we weren't.  The thought of spending months getting to know and love this woman with the intense fear that it could all fall apart again and we would have to start the grieving process all over again was overwhelming.

So he met with her and then sent us the details.  We read them over.  Scott then looked at me and said if he had to give an answer right then, he would say yes.  I was blown away.  I figured he would be a for sure no.  I wasn't completely ready to say yes yet.  My heart was so fragile.  We decided to take a couple days to think about it and told our attorney such.

That was Sunday night.  On Tuesday morning we decided we needed to do this.  We had a strong sense that God had this path with this woman and child for us regardless of the outcome.  So I called our attorney that afternoon to tell him we were in.  He told us because he hadn't heard from us, he went ahead and sent a packet of family profiles to her that morning to look over and pick from.  He would go ahead and send ours the next morning.  We assumed that was the end of it.

Wednesday afternoon our attorney called.  She loved us.  She had created a list of pros and cons for the other families and had narrowed it down to one she was ok with, but then she saw ours and knew that were what she was looking for.  I was stunned.

A couple days later we had our first phone call with her followed by meeting for lunch a couple days later.  We left lunch feeling a small glimmer of hope that this might really happen.

The next few months were spent getting to know one another.  We told very few people about this because we didn't have it in us to tell everyone if it fell apart again.  I attended all her appointments and ultrasounds at her request.  We spent hours and hours together learning all about each others histories, families, and hopes for the future.  She continued to affirm her decision to us all along the way.

Then it happened.  One evening I got a phone call saying, "Lizzie, my water just broke."  And with that we both hopped on an emotional roller coaster that included me coaching her through labor and delivery, watching him be born (complete with me becoming a hot mess of uncontrollable sobbing), and cutting his cord.  Malachi James entered the world on February 23rd at 4:24 a.m.

She set up the time she wanted the attorney to come so that she could sign the adoption papers.  She had to social worker come down to the room I was staying in to request I come down to talk with her.  My heart sank.  I assumed I was walking down to her room to be told she couldn't do it.  I braced myself to love and support her in her choice.  I walked into her room to see her holding Malachi and she smiled at me.  I sat down beside her and she handed Malachi to me and asked the attorney for the papers.  I just stared down at him praying for peace and strength for her heart and mine.

She signed.  My heart exploded.  I was overwhelmed by the heaviness of that moment.  My heart broke for her knowing how hard going through with signing was despite the fact that she knew it was what she needed and wanted to do.

She filled out the birth certificate with his full name, including our last name.  She wanted him to always have our name and not have to switch at finalization.  She decided she would like to have an open adoption instead of semi-open, which we were thrilled hear.  She is a beautiful part of our lives and will always be honored, loved, and revered in our home.

So here he is, in 4,000 pictures, Malachi James.

New Year

I haven't even attempted to post anything in the new year.  Writing right now doesn't feel as cathartic to me as it usually does, and to be honest, life has been too busy to sit down and try to compose thoughts.

This year has been filled with processing.  Processing adoption loss, current events, and family dynamics.  It hasn't been easy or smooth, and thank goodness for professional help navigating it all.

Also, my days are filled with cleaning sharpie and gum off of things, mounds of laundry, driving kids to activities, and pretending I meal plan.

But I have high hopes for the new year.  Not because I think it will necessarily be easier or less painful than last year, but that I know we can survive whatever it is that happens.  We've been through hell and back and are living to tell about it.  We've learned what it means to place our hope in proper places and not rely on our circumstances to be what brings us joy.

Here's a short glimpse of the start of our year.

Losing teeth...

Haircuts...

Preschool being exhausting...

So exhausting...

Learning to read and being so, so proud...

And getting chicken nuggets making life amazing.

2015 in Books

I set out the year wanting to read 20 books and I am currently on my 21st and part way through a couple others because I never usually stick with just one book at a time.  It's been so, so good to get back to reading more.  And very fun to keep mixing it up with a variety of books and genres I enjoy.

The reality is that I got through a lot of them by using two different apps: OverDrive to check out audio books from the library and Audible to utilize a free 3 month subscription and then buying some significantly discounted books before canceling my subscription to save money.

Here's what I got through, in no particular order.  Asterisks for my top 5.*

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou*

Yes Please by Amy Poehler

A Path Appears: Transforming Lives, Creating Opportunity by Nicholas D. Kristof*

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

Cry Purple by Christine McDonald

Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

Yellow Crocus by Laila Ibrahim

Silent Tears: A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage by Kay Bratt

Bittersweet: Thoughts of Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way by Shauna Niequist

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed by Glennon Doyle Melton*

Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit

For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker*

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud

Why are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria: And Other Conversations About Race by Beverly Daniel Tatum*

Next year I hope to manage to read (or finish or re-read) at least these 15 books.  We will see how I do.

Half the Church: Recapturing God's Global Vision for Women by Carolyn Curtis James
Race, Real Estate, and Uneven Development by Kevin Fox Gotham
Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands by Paul David Tripp
The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grisom
The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton
Between the World and Me by Ta-Neshisi Coates
Rising Strong by Brene Brown
The Girl with Seven Names: A North Korean Defector's Story by Hyeonseo Lee
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
Out of Sorts: Making Peace with an Evolving Faith by Sarah Bessey
The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of Amerca's Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson
Some of My Best Friends are Black by Tanner Colby
The Half Was Never Told by Edward E. Baptist
Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth