"Everyone's Welcome" is Cute, but Not Reality

My first thought when I saw the commercial of the little kids talking about their differences was, "gosh those kids are cute, but this isn't true."  If you don't know what commercial I talking about, you can view it here:

First off, the commercial reads as propaganda because we are only shown the clips and bits that the creators wanted us to see, and the creators clearly had an agenda.  We don't know what questions the children were asked or what all they talked about, we simply know what they wanted us to see.

Second off, we have to ask ourselves, "why?"  Why did the creators want us to believe that kids don't see different races or differently abled bodies?  What purpose does that serve?  This is a key point, because the creators clearly saw nothing wrong with the kids seeing and knowing other differences about themselves, but for some reason, it was so great that they didn't see the outward differences.

The motive behind that isn't actually helpful.  For a lot of adults it FEELS helpful.  How wonderful if we could all just not truly see our differences!  If they could be so inconsequential as to not be noticed, wouldn't that be great.  But what its really saying is far more problematic.  Its saying that these differences are not ok to notice, or virtuous to not notice.  This leads one to think or believe said differences don't have actual value or impact on the lives of those who bear the non-majority appearance.  And this is quite simply, not true.

In the last month I've had to deal with my kids being called the N word by online trolls, a neighbor accusing my 4-year-old of theft and calling him "that Black boy", bullies at school telling my daughter that White people are bad and Black people are good, multiple breakdowns about wanting our family to all match, and untold questions and looks from people (both kids and adults) in public as they try to make sense of our family.

And that is just in our tiny family that still gets to reside under an umbrella of White privilege due to my husband's and my race.  This isn't touching on the systemic inequalities faced by both people of color and non-able bodied individuals, which is where the true injustice is happening.

So before you applaud this commercial's lack of acknowledgment, remember that it actually hurts those around you who are not in the majority.  I promise that race is a constant part of our everyday, not because we choose for it to be by talking about it, but because it simply is.  There is no avoiding it.  No one in our lives doesn't see the different colors of the people in our family, including our own children.  And those differences have massive impact on their daily lives already.  So if the children around them are being taught that its best not to notice, then they aren't noticing the beauty or the hurt either.

Embrace reality over cute kids and a colorblind utopia of sorts; because minority communities don't have the option to not do so.

Your Theology Won't Let You Be Colorblind

I'm writing over at RAAN this week.

Much ink has been spilled on how the concept of colorblindness is not only unhelpful, but actively harmful. Yet, people who want to claim they don’t see color, or say things such as, “there’s only one race: the human race” are plentiful. You can see them come out in droves in the comment section of any online article touching on race or racism.  

The response is usually people of color begging them to see their “colorblind” words are hurtful and diminishes their (POC) lives. So I have a word for my fellow White Christian brothers and sisters.  Not only are your words hurtful, they are unbiblical. It’s time to examine not only how your words affect others, but your theology as well.

Read the rest at:
https://www.raanetwork.org/theology-wont-let-colorblind/

Sitting in Saturday

Some of the most sound advice I've heard as of late about sharing what is going on in your life publicly was from Glennon Doyle.  She says to speak from your scars, not from you wounds.  So thus, I have been relatively quiet.  The wounds have been brutal.

There's a lot going on in our lives though.  Our kids are changing schools and we are changing churches.  These both come from (very different) places of brokenness and hurt and attempts at reconciliation that aren't happening in this current phase of life.  We hold onto hope that they will.  But sometimes before you can come to the table and process steps forward, you have to take time to heal your heart and soul.  And you have to make decisions that are painfully hard because you know, deep down, what you and your family need, so you don't shy away from walking through the valley.

And yet life still pushes forward.  One child tests out of an IEP while we begin evaluations on another.  The baby learns to walk and how to get into everything.  Scott has half the month of May booked already for work travel.  I continue to volunteer with CASA and the parent committee at school.

In the meantime, I've started doing some sub-contracting work for Be the Bridge, and its brought me so much joy.  Being able to write on a topic I love is life giving to me.  It brings some change to the day to day mundane of childcare and keeping up on the house and life.

Now seemed like a time to say something, albeit vague.  But sometimes simply typing out words is what I need to do so that I can release them from the tumult of my brain and take a deep breath again.

Which brings me back to were I started.  Words from Glennon.  She also speaks of this time of Good Friday to Easter in a way that makes where we are right now not seem so overwhelming.  These trials we face are much like this calendar season we just exited.  Good Friday.  The death.  The hurt.  The broken.  Saturday.  The waiting.  The wondering.  The mourning.  Easter Sunday.  The rising.

We sit in a Saturday state right now.  We are mourning and unsure.  But there is peace in knowing that at some point comes the rising and breath of new life.

Malachi - 1!

Our sweet, big bundle of love is ONE!

He's still going strong in the 90th percentile for height and weight at almost 25 lbs. and 31".

He's started walking.  WALKING.  Just 1-2 steps at a time, but I give it a week before he takes off.

Talking is his other strong suit.  He will even copy two word phrases, say "poopy" when he needs a diaper change, and "snack" when he's hungry.   Most his chatter during the day is babble though with "tucka-tucka" being his favorite phrase.

He's in 18-24 month clothes and moving up to size 5 diapers.

He takes one 3 hour nap a day and sleeps 11-12 hours straight a night.  Glory be.

We are trying to wean him off the bottle, but he doesn't agree with this plan.  He likes to pound a 10 oz. bottle several times a day on top of eating most everything we eat.  His favorites are peas, beans, scrambled eggs, chicken, and carrots.

19 Must Read Books and 3 Must Watch Documentaries To Understand

If nothing else, I hope that last post helped stir up a sense of empathy and understanding for the depth of the divide in our country. Perhaps it also made you realize that the version of American history you've been given is not only incomplete, but perhaps deceptively Whitewashed.  

So how do you start to undo that? There isn't a simple article to read or movie to watch, just as your understanding of White American history didn't come from a quick read, understanding the nuance of race in America won't be quick either. But if you want to start digging in, here's your chance. Because ignorance isn't helpful to anyone; we owe it to those who have been marginalized for centuries to do some work so we can make some change.

These books are the 19 that have been most formative for me. Some eye opening, some infuriating, some energizing; but they all have served a vital role in where I am today. If you prefer book club style reading, I lead book studies through a group on Facebook called Be the Bridge to Racial Unity that you are welcome to request to join and hang with me on Facebook live discussing this goodness.

Amazon links are not affiliated.

Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion by Gregory Boyle

Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson

Divided by Faith by Christian Smith and Michael Emerson

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together at the Cafeteria Table?: A Psychologist Explains the Development of Racial Identity by Beverly Daniel Tatum

Trouble I’ve Seen by Drew Hart

The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander

Let Justice Roll Down by Dr. John Perkins

The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson

Race, Real Estate, and Uneven Development by Kevin Fox Gotham

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

Some of My Best Friends are Black: The Strange Story of Integration in America by Tanner Colby

The Condemnation of Blackness: Race, Crime, and the Making of Modern Urban America by Khalil Gibran Muhammad

In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption by Rhonda M. Roorda

White Rage by Carol Anderson

The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin

The Shame of the Nation by Jonathon Kozol

America’s Original Sin by Jim Wallis

The Half Has Never Been Told: Slavery and the Making of American Capitalism by Edward Baptist

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

And for some movies:

Race: The Power of an Illusion

The African Americans: Many Rivers to Cross

13th (Available on Netflix)

Didn't Feel Welcome at the Women's March, Conservative White Women? Let's Chat.

It's been a week.  No adjective needed, just a week.  And my inbox and text messages have been full. The reality is that a lot of people want to engage culture and current realities, but all seems so hard and divisive that where do you even start and is it even worth it come up a lot.

I have a dear, dear friend who is one of those people where you can call each other out and say what you need to say without qualifiers and they add them in for you and love you just like you are.  What a gift, right?  Gracious.  And that friendship is so beneficial to me.  It sands down my rough edges, sharpens my intellect, and draws truth out of me in ways surface level friendships never can.  Bless. It.

So we had a big ole discussion via text the last couple of days, because we both have a gaggle of children with a variety of needs and attempting to talk on the phone is a joke and who am I kidding, I hate the phone.

At the end of the conversation she said, "I need you to write this stuff down online so I can share it because my White heart needed to hear it."  I said ok, knowing that right now I have a million reasons that I have no time to write, but that now, more than ever, we need to speak and speak boldly.

So you know, the conversation started with talking about how the Lord created Xanax and mojito recipes are straight from the angels.  This is the kind of spiritual guidance we all need in our lives.

The meat of these discussions (as I've had them with lots of people the last few days) came down to this though, how can conservative Christian women who identify as pro-life, are in traditional marriages, and want equal rights for women engage in our current culture where you seem to have to have one full set of values or another without crossover.

The answer is that there is no simple answer.  But I do know this.  I don't need to fight to defend my heterosexual marriage.  No one has ever tried to make constitutional amendments against it nor have they used laws to try to nullify it.  I know that for the 400 years since Pilgrims landed on Plymoth Rock my Whiteness has never worked against me and my ancestors.  I know that no one in power is trying to keep me from being able to adopt, have children, or practice my religion.  So while my rights matter, they are not under attack.

But lets talk a little more about this divide.  Conservative Christian pro life women are not generally well received in the circles such as those represented at the Women's March.  In many cities they marched openly without issue, but there was hubbub before the march about a pro life group and their participation.  To many, that looked like the organizers of the march drew a line in the sand.  But I want to point something out.  They didn't draw a line, the line has existed for 400 years and was drawn by the White Church and we have to acknowledge that.

The history of the Church in America in regards to civil rights is horrifying.  Slave auctions would be held on Sunday afternoons so that church goers could easily attend.  Christians owned slaves.  Christians fought against abolitionists.  Christians would fight in the Confederacy to uphold state's rights to keep slavery legal.  Post-emancipation, lynchings would be held on Sunday afternoons so that church goers could partake and take photos and send postcards of the event to their friends.  White Christians would not allow Black Christians to sit next to them in pews or lead them in worship to the point that Black people had to form their own churches.  White people have tagged, shot up, bombed, and burned down those buildings.  White Christians started suburban private schools because they didn't want to participate in school desegregation.  They became associated with the Republican party at that time because the party promised to fight to let them stay segregated.  Years after the Supreme Court decision on Roe v. Wade, the same group that rallied Evangelicals around school segregation would start to lose their grip on the group, so they changed the platform to be a version of pro-life that said the only moral, ethical, and Christian opinion is to want to make abortion illegal.  And they succeeded in keeping their new voting block in the Republican party.

This is our history Whiter Christians.  So, White Conservative women have a lot of work to do before they will be safe to invite to marches such as the Women's March.  There is so much warranted hurt.  Imagine a man cheats on his wife and abuses her for 50 years.  Slowly, he decides to let up on that abuse in some areas.  Do you think she should now actually trust him?  Should she actually believe that he now wants to seek her good?  It won't be until he completely empties himself of his own desires and works for her best for years and years that she will maybe, slowly be able to believe that he might be safe.  Church, you are the abusive husband and our sisters of color, our LGBTQ sisters, our undocumented immigrant sisters who were marching on Saturday are the abused wife.

So when I say we have work to do, its no joke.  We still worship and live and go to school in segregated and unequal spaces.  81% of White Evangelicals voted for a man who confessed to sexual assault and then denied it happened, called immigrants from Mexico rapists, wouldn't allow Black people to work for him in positions the public could see them, called for increased militarization of police forces in minority communities, and vowed to remove provisions that have kept our most vulnerable populations able to access healthcare.

Until the Church can say, "not on my watch" for years or maybe even generations, little will change.  And those we have abused do not owe us safety at their marches.  We have to take a long suffering view on this.  Reconciliation may not happen in our lifetime, but if we don't lay serious groundwork now, our children will be fighting these same battles and seeing the same lines drawn in the sand.

Righting those wrongs might not mean attending the Women's March for you.  Which is fine, really!  Make that choice, but please don't respond by further building walls and considering yourself as discriminated or persecuted against for not feeling welcome.  There are lots of marches and rallies and community events to attend that work to bridge these divides and you are welcome to participate however you can.

For me though, I chose to march.  And I choose to speak out.  And that has meant being ostracized in some of my circles, but giving up a little bit of my privilege and comfort so others can have fundamental rights is not a price to pay, but an offering to give.

Evelyn - 8!

She turned 8 in September.  It's 30 minutes until January.  The end of this year has been the famous dumpster fire of 2016 though, so we aren't going to talk about that.

So here is her birthday interview.

Who is your best friend?  Nikyla, Mae, and Paige

What is your favorite color?  blue, yellow, and green

What is your favorite animal?  big cats

What is your favorite thing to do?  gymnastics

What is your favorite thing to wear?  shirts with skinny jeans and sweaters

What is your favorite food?  salads and hamburgers with french fries

What is your favorite show?  gymnastics movies

What is your favorite thing to do in Iowa?  play with my cousins

What is your favorite thing to do with daddy?  go on dates

What is your favorite thing to do with mommy?  snuggle

What do you want to be when you grow up?  an art teacher like Ms. McGrath

What do you want people to know about you?  I like to do gymnastics.

Our big second grader is growing by leaps and bounds.  She loves her siblings dearly when she's not trying to injure them.  She's a really great help with Malachi and loves playing house with him as her baby.  She's pouring her heart into gymnastics, getting fluent with reading, and is a social butterfly always wanting to hang out with friends. 

In Which I Attempt to Respond to the Election

We live in at minimum, two Americas.  I've known this to be true since the time we started truly delving into what life would be like for us to raise a Black child, but I've never seen it so clearly as I do this week.  And it is a strange reality to have one foot in each of these worlds, particularly in the Church.  Because if the division is clear and decisive anywhere, its in our churches.

This is most clear this week as we watch the response to the election results and having to say the words "President Donald Trump".  On one hand I see White Evangelical Christians.  This is the group I grew up as a part of and still have plenty of connection with.  They overwhelmingly voted for Trump, some estimates say numbers as high as 80% did.  And these are direct quotes from some:

• We need to look 'em in the face and laugh.
• You guys lost.  Learn it, love it, live it, and leave us alone.
• The Right has seized their chance to take a stand - speak against the righteous accusations founded in "social justice".
• A vote for Trump was a vote for the freedom to promote truth.
• Thankfully there will be more babies to adopt now.
• The media has painted him only one way.
• God cannot bless our country through Hillary.
• We cannot pre-judge Trump.

And I read these words and see these responses over and over and over in various forms and levels of vitriol on my friends and families social media comment sections and I want to openly weep.  And I do sometimes.  Because how in the world does any of that represent Christ?  How does any of that speak to the hurting, the broken, the beaten down, the marginalized, and the forgotten?  How easily and quickly do we forget the very words of Jesus, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed."

And thus I come to the two Americas.  Because you know what I don't see from any of the people of color in my world who are believers?  ANY OF THAT.  None of it.  I see mourning.  I see prophetic lament.  I see willingness to step into the pain and brokenness and sit with those who are afraid and lonely and oppressed.  This is what I see:

• White evangelicals, you could have stood up and said that following Christ and the body of Christ is greater, but you chose to pursue power.
• When you say let's move forward without even a hint of an apology for all that has been said and done, you are re-traumatizing people of color.
• Until the White church is ready to have internal dialogue about the idol of "whiteness" they will fail to have a credible Gospel witness.
• Stop telling people they'll be ok.  There are a lot of people in this country that Donald Trump, himself, has promised won't be ok.
• Division isn't healed by ignoring issues, but being honest about what divides.

But these are not the voices that the majority of White Christians are listening to.  And you know why?  It goes all the way back to post-slavery America where White Christians refused to let Black people have a non-marginalized place in the church, so they left and formed their own churches.  And still to this day Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week.

So not only were the voices of the marginalized not heard by the majority of White Christians before the election to have that influence how they viewed the candidates, we had White pastors around the country championing Trump's cause.  So Christians of color in this country are crying out in lament with good reason while White Christians are quite literally telling others to laugh in their faces.

White Christians are proclaiming "God is on the throne and is in charge!" while Christian immigrants are wondering how to keep their family together when Trump starts his mass deportation plan.  They proclaim "Give him a chance!  Pray for him!", all while refusing to fully step into mourning with and praying for the children who had to go to school this week and read, "go back to Africa niggers!  Trump is making America great again!"  They say, "well at least we will have conservative Supreme Court nominees to try to overturn abortion!" while the woman who just got pregnant is looking at her insurance being stripped away when the ACA is repealed and knows she can't afford to sustain her pregnancy if that happens.

Meanwhile the biggest pushback I get from trying, begging, pleading with White Christians this week is that they aren't racist.  So be it.  Stand on that ground if you want, but you have to deal with the implications of your vote, White church.  You have to deal with not only your vote, but your leaders championing him and refusing to speak against his bigotry, misogyny, racism, and xenophobia.  You need to be protecting and housing Muslim families that are living in fear of being branded.  You need to be covering the costs of the pregnant woman who would rather not chose abortion but feels like she has no choice (and not just cover those living costs if she chooses adoption).  You need to be physically standing in the gap for our Mexican brothers and sisters who are afraid to walk out of their homes right now.  You need to be a safe place for the woman who is sexually assaulted and doesn't know who she can trust because her president and the pastors who championed him don't seem to care about the bodily autonomy and safety of women.

Stop trying to justify your vote as not racist, and see the far reaching implications that it had.  Then work your ass off to fix that.

Annabelle - 6!

My sweet, sweet Annie.  I can't seem to quit calling you Annie even though at school you are firming in camp, "My Name Is Annabelle."

You are my feeler of all the feelings, shedder of all the tears, and lover of all the tiny things.  You gush over me washing your favorite dress for you and cry when you can't have the snack you want.  You are learning to read and write, so now that amazing mind of yours has started creating stories on paper.  How well your day at school went is firmly planted in how much recess time you get.  Not because you run around a whole lot, but because you spend your recess heading up the "Nature Club" - of which you founded - or finding small trinkets and garbage on the ground that become your beloved treasures.

My new, absolute favorite Annie story happened today.  I was trying to shoo you and your brother and sister out the door for school.  You came randomly wandering back into the house and I spun you around to send you back to the car.  In that moment you found a tiny potato on the steps to the back door.  When I continued to direct you toward the car even though you now had a potato in your possession, your eyes lit up.

This is because, my sweet lover of all the tiny things, your imagination sees life in everything.  And you saw life in that potato.  You named it Baby Potato.  It sat on your desk at school, it went out to recess with you, and took a nap on a bed of feathers under a tissue during art class after spending some time sunbathing in the light from the window.  My child, I could not make this up if I tried.  But to you there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about making a pet out of a potato.

Without further ado, Annabelle's 6-year-old interview. 

Who is your best friend? Julia.

What is your favorite color? Pink.

What is your favorite animal? Meerkats (she pronounces it meer-uh-kats) and cheetahs.

What's your favorite thing to do?  Snuggle with mommy and eat donuts.

What's your favorite thing to wear?  Dresses.

What's your favorite food?  Ice cream...and CAKE!

 What's your favorite show?  You know, Elsa and Anna, so Frozen.

What's your favorite thing to do in Iowa?  Get a toy with grandma.

What's your favorite thing to do with daddy?  Go to the donut store and go get pizza.

What's your favorite thing to do with mommy?  Snuggle.

What do you want to be when you grow up?  A ballerina teacher and a singer.

What do you want people to know about you?  Well, I have a lot more favorites than those things.  I have favorite toys and favorite other things too.  I like to play Barbies.

Malachi - 6 Months

My baby!  He's so big!

Daddy and Abe are his favorites.  These brothers are already becoming the best of friends.  Abe will try to drag him all over the house if I'm not looking.

Really, he's so big.  Like... 20 pounds, 28 inches long, 95th percentile big.  And I love all his squishy goodness.

He's also getting so busy.  He's incredibly close to crawling.  He can scoot himself backward, get in the crawling position, and does killer planks.

This is a rare photo of him trying to sit.  Don't ask him to sit up.  Its not his thing.

His exersaucer is one of his favorite activities.  He will jump endlessly in that thing. 

He sleeps like a dream.  12-13 hours a night and 2 naps a day.

On his 6 month birthday he had 2 teeth, but now a couple weeks in he has 2 more working their way out.

He's loving the introduction of solid foods.  His favorites are green beans and peas.

He wears 12-18 month clothes and size 4 diapers.  I don't know what shoe size he wears because he never gets to wear them.  Fourth child problems.

When he's not happily trying to crawl or bouncing in this exersaucer, this is where he is happiest.  

How Not To Respond About Kaepernick: A Quick Tutorial on Talking About Race, Social Media, and Adoption

I don't have to start with a long retelling of the chain of events, right?  It basically boils down to: National Anthem, Kaepernick sits for the second game in a row, camera notices this time, he gives an explanation for his personal choice, and social media explodes.

And I'm not going to give amazing renditions or why this was ok or not.  If you're still trying to formulate an opinion or understanding, this article lays out my feelings (Kaepernick wants Justice not Peace) and here's some Christian-focused thoughts on nationalism and patriotism (What Christians Can Learn from Colin Kaepernick).

What I want to address now are some recurring themes I see in the discussion of the issue.  Because this event has led to lots of talk about race, privilege, and adoption and I really like to talk about those things.  Ask me about any of them and I will pull out my soapbox if given the opportunity.

Here's what I'm seeing be brought up:

• Why this?  He has so much money why not do something that will actually help?
• If he cares so much about Black people, what is he doing for them?
• Here's a whole list of problems that are perceived as Black problems (poverty, crime, absent fathers, education, etc)...how does not standing for the national anthem help with those?
• He's so lucky to have been adopted, why can't he just be thankful?
• Its so much better for him here than anywhere else in the world, he should be thankful and proud to be American.
• This is so disrespectful to veterans.

Not an exhaustive list by far, but hits some main points.  So lets tackle them (football pun intended).

Why this?  He has so much money why not do something that will actually help?

We don't even know if he intended for the cameras to catch him or make a big fuss about this, it was a personal choice and conviction that he acted on.  That being said, if we assume that he did intend for this to be a public protest, we have to keep some things in mind.  Change in this country is rarely abrupt.  It takes time, energy, focus, and patience to see the social progress we strive for.  One of the first steps in that though, is raising awareness.  Colin chose a peaceful and purposeful action, and raised awareness at that game.  He used his time in the spotlight to succinctly explain his rationale for why he did what he did.  Raising awareness is actually helping.  Because without it we don't get the slow wheels of change moving.  

If he cares so much about Black people, what is he doing for them?

Well first off, he is a Black person, so this question feels odd.  He is just as likely to be a victim of what he was protesting as the rest of the Black population in this country.  So what he's doing is protesting that treatment.  That's doing something.  Secondly, its not a question you would ever ask of a White athlete who was making a stand about something.  Can you imagine Peyton Manning ever being asked what he's doing for White people?  Nah.  

Here's a whole list of problems that are perceived as Black problems (poverty, crime, absent fathers, education, etc)...how does not standing for the national anthem help with those?

Those problems?  Poverty, schools, urban blight, etc are all products of the same beast that created a legal system that is wrought with racial bias...which is what Colin is protesting.  They are all products of the history of this country that I couldn't possibly spell out in its entirety in this one post of mine.  If that doesn't make sense to you, I would recommend the following books to movies to start you off.

• The Condemnation of Blackness: Race, Crime, and the Making of Modern Urban America by Khalil Gibran Muhammad
• Some of My Best Friends are Black by Tanner Colby
• The African Americans: Many Rivers to Cross (6 part series)
• Race: The Power of an Illusion

Beyond that reality, its patently false to paint the Black experience in America as one fraught with poverty, crime, or broken families.  Painting an entire race of people with such a broad brush diminishes their humanity and individual realities.  There is some statistical truth, particularly surrounding wealth and education, that show stark disparities between the Black and White experience in America, but they can all be tied to racist historical and present realities, not a failure or inadequacy on the part of the African American population individually or at large.  

On that note, I specifically want to address the common racist trope that Black fathers are absent fathers.  The reality is that Black fathers are more likely to be involved in their children's lives than any other race of father in America.  Given the high rates of mass incarceration for Black males (another area with extreme racial bias both in who gets charged with crimes and how long they are sentenced), this is staggering.  

For more on mass incarceration, check out The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander and Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson.

He's so luck to have been adopted, why can't he just be thankful?

When it comes to adoption, adoptive parents are the lucky ones.  Our children get to decide for themselves how they feel about adoption, because adoption isn't simple.  And while plenty of adult adoptees are happy, thankful, and a whole range of positive emotions, that's not the only possible experience with adoption and those feelings may coexist with loss and sadness.  And regardless of how an adoptee feels about their adoption, this situation has nothing whatsoever to do with his adoption.  He is a grown man making a stand about his and others' lived reality in this country and any thankfulness he feels or doesn't feel about his adoption doesn't have to play into how he choses to express himself.  

Its so much better for him here than anywhere else in the world, he should be thankful and proud to be American.

Sometimes I wonder if people are really hearing themselves when they say this.  It's both an acknowledgment of racism (and its worldwide nature), and a down-playing of it.  It also shows a lack of understanding of the developed world.  Even if we remove from the equation that there are lots of great places to live in this world, telling someone that they should just suck it up because it could be worse is the opposite of empathy and progress.  The line that it could be worse has been used since the dawn of this country.  Slaves were told that at least they weren't still having to live in Africa for chrissakes.  This is not a new response and it has never been an ok one.  

This is so disrespectful to veterans.

I purposefully put this one after the last one.  There are veterans who are hurt by Colin's actions.  I'm sorry that they are hurting.  Me explaining the racist history of Francis Scott Key and the anthem itself, explaining that he didn't intend to hurt veterans, or explaining why the gesture of the singing the anthem doesn't have a direct connection to respect for veterans doesn't take away that hurt.  Facts and emotions are a messy thing to try to mix up in that way.  Colin clearly views the flag and anthem differently than some veterans do.  Its a different lens so it leads to different understandings.  Just as I want Colin's feelings and experiences validated, I believe its ok to validate the hurt veterans feel.

That being said, I do appreciate that he said he did not intend offense and have found it interesting to see the outpouring of support from many veterans on social media through the hashtag #VeteransForKaepernick.  Clearly, there are many veterans who do not take offense to Colin's protest, and in fact encourage it.

New Adventure in Meal Planning

Meal planning or anything resembling regular, balanced, healthy meals went out the window this summer.  Between my knee surgery, Evelyn have gymnastics for 2 hours twice a week, and another 2 nights having swimming lessons for three kids...cooking didn't happen.  It was more of a warming food or throwing something on the grill kind of summer.

But that left us in a rut, so I need to get doing something.  School starts this week though and things aren't slowing down anytime soon.  So I'm going to attempt emeals (no, they aren't sponsoring my post).  They now have a gluten free option so I don't even have to worry about modifying recipes.  Also, through Groupon, I got 6 months of nightly recipes and grocery lists for $28.  The time I would spend weekly putting together recipes for the week and writing out a grocery list makes that a great deal.

The emeals app gives me 7 recipes a week to choose from.  I can check them out, click a button, and my grocery list is updated to include everything I need.  I really find we only need 4-5 planned dinners a week because other nights are leftovers, pizza, or we aren't home.  So I like that I can just add the meals I want that week to my list.

I have no idea how this will go.  I'm not good at sticking with things.  But, my family has to eat, so I can't totally give up on cooking meals, so hopefully this will just be a guide to keep me on track.  I'm also looking forward to the idea of trying new foods and cooking methods.

I'll try to update once a month or so and let you know if its been helpful or worth it!

A Year Out From Michigan

A year ago yesterday a sweet, tiny bundle was born weighing in at 4 lbs. 1 oz.  We were told he was going to be our son.  We were rushing to drive north to Michigan to meet him.

A year ago today we sat in a place of utter confusion.  One minute we were being told he would be our son and I was snuggling him in the NICU.  The next we were told it was uncertain what would happen.

A year ago tomorrow we were told he wasn't going to be a part of our family.  We were so broken.  We were so hurt.  We had so much grief to process.

We are a year out now and the scene looks very different.  We have a little ball of pudge that joined our family many months later.  And we have had time to process what the past couple years have meant and what we could learn from them.

Thinking through these things brought me back to a conversation I had years ago with an agency that was sharing their rate of adoptions that didn't go through.  In the industry they are called "failed adoptions", and that's a term I've used plenty before, but its not one I feel comfortable using now.  The agency wanted us to know that they had a very low rate of women changing their mind after birth.  This was a selling feature for them.

This brings two things to my mind.  First, that can be a good thing.  It can mean that the mothers involved got adequate counseling and were firm in their decisions by the time of the birth.  But, it also makes me squirm a bit, because it can also mean that the mothers involved with that agency feel like they have to go through with their adoption plan.  And that is in no way ok.

So right now, I can look back at the adoptions in our past that didn't happen, and be thankful.  I can be thankful that the women parenting those babies are getting to parent those babies, because it is what they wanted to do.  I can be thankful the agencies, social workers, and attorneys we worked with were the type of adoption professional that leaves parenting on the table as a viable option for the new mom.  Because regardless of my love for those children, they were not mine.  It would not have been ok for their moms to think that because we maybe have more of what society would deem ideal circumstances in which to raise a child that we should be the ones to raise them if thats not what the moms wanted.

So I'm now in a place of wanting to see "failed adoptions" as "successful decisions to parent".  We must never, as adoptive parents or adoption professionals, remove from moms their rights to be able to parent and choose to only see these decisions through the lens of what we were hoping the outcome would be.  That doesn't mean that there isn't grief, processing, and hurt to work through as I surely know there is.  But it is a reminder to not get ourselves so wrapped up in a situation that we lose sight of where the focus should be.

Abraham - {4!}

We discussed the night before his 4th birthday that 4-year-olds don't get out of their beds in the night. Here's hoping our little night wanderer takes this to heart.

Because he's our big 4-year-old now!  

He's in love with swords, the Beastie Boys (blame his father), Minions, and chips.  He will hunt down the gum hidden in the house no matter how well you think you hid it.  He will play outside in the water or on his bike any chance he's given.  He adores our preteen and teenage neighbors and thinks he lives in their house (he will just walk on in and make himself at home without even knocking).  His baby brother is about the best thing to ever come into his life and the two are almost inseparable when Malachi - or hun-yun as Abe calls him - is awake. 

Since he's now 4, he gets to start the birthday interviews!  My favorite.

Who is your best friend?  Chase.

What is your favorite color?  Blue.

What is your favorite animal?  Trains.

What is your favorite thing to do?  Go to the train station and the donut store.

What is your favorite thing to wear?  Hawkeye clothes.

What is your favorite food?  Chicken nuggets.

What is your favorite show?  Leo (Little Einsteins)

 What is your favorite thing to do when we visit Iowa? Play with grandma and grandpa.

What is your favorite thing to do with daddy? Float at the hotel.  (I have no idea what he means.)

What's your favorite thing to do with mommy?  Nothing, because you're naughty.  (Awesome.)

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Eat cake.  (Solid life goal.)

What do you want people to know about you?  That I like my new light saber.  (I don't think Malachi shares that sentiment.)