Last Day of School 2015

I've been so busy I haven't even gotten pics posted of some important events that have happened lately.  I don't want to lose these pics of the stories around them, so they will just have to be late.

This year Evelyn completed Kindergarten and Annie did a year of 4-year-old preschool.

This one clearly gets her flair for the dramatic and her height from her mom.  She has blossomed so much this year.  Her speech, writing, and math sense have progressed more than we ever thought they would.  I'm so proud of her.

Dear, sweet Annie is growing so much.  She has done great adjusting to being at school during the day.  She is always worn out and snuggly by the time she gets home.  

The girls were adamant that Abe be in the group photo too.

Annie at her awards ceremony.  She received the creativity award.

 Evelyn was so proud of herself.  The kids recited their memory verses from the year then had awards presented.

Matched Again!

"Here we go again!" ran through my mind as we got word that an expectant mom was interested in our family.  She had it narrowed down to a couple families she liked, but wanted to talk to us on the phone before making her decision.  She made her decision mid-phone call apparently!

While we were waiting for her to give official word to the agency that she wanted us to parent this baby, I was getting the mail from outside.  A package had arrived.  It was a baby blanket I had ordered from a friend 2 months prior because I needed to feel something.  I needed to still think a baby would join our family.

Like a little wink from God, there was the blanket and news of our hopeful baby at the same time.

So here's the details we keep being asked about!

We don't know the sex of the baby.  We may find out beforehand, it just depends on if another ultrasound happens and if the baby cooperates.

Baby is due on September 8, but for multiple reasons that are private to her, she may deliver anytime in the next few months.  So we are gearing up for either a long summer of waiting or potentially a summer of hanging in the NICU.

She lives in Michigan!  11 hours away from here.  So a NICU stay would be challenging.  Our prayer is that the baby sits tight and bakes until August.  We have lined up housing options in Michigan which is an amazing blessing as hotels get so expensive for long term stays.  We also may have the Ronald McDonald House as an option as well if the baby is hospitalized.

Also, she's wonderful.  I adore her.  We all want an open adoption moving forward, so are looking forward to getting that experience again.

I've also been asked for a list of needs.  Pray for us, encourage us, let us be scared and excited and unsure and overwhelmed all at the same time.  When the time comes we may need help with our kids, house, meals, or logistics.  I will try to be specific about needs we have as they arrive.  If you would like to help, feel free to list specific ways/things you could do so that if I need that thing I can ask!  I've always felt as though we had a whole village walking along this with us and its invaluable to us!

I've Become a Cynic

Abe asked me where his baby brother is today.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  There are lots of hearts in my home that are ready for a new little person to join us.  It was one more thing lain on my own weary heart.

The amount of brokenness in my life right now has left me feeling cynical.  Which really, is an awful place to be.  Cynicism is a defeated weariness.  I've developed so much scar tissue from the pain of the last 4 months that I don't even want to expose myself to anything.  I want to hide away from it all until its past.  I don't want to trust God because I am actively questioning his goodness at times.  I'm not able to find joy in this adoption journey because I'm too aware of the pain of waiting and the hurt of things falling apart to even dare trust or hope.  I avoid attempting to restore relationship with my dad because I know what it feels like to once again be betrayed and that restoring relationship means taking a person as they are, faults and all.  It often feels better to be numb than to feel the depths of everything that has gone on this year.

My prayers feel empty.  Phony.  Devoid of relationship.

So I'm taking some time to engage life in a more meaningful way.  Focusing more on relationships that feed my soul.  Spending my time reading on topics that speak to where I am right now rather than zoning out numbly online.  And figuring out what this all means for where God and I are.

Violence Being the Answer

When the Royals are being mistreated, we cheer that they are fighting back.  You have to show the other team that you won't put up with not being respected, right?  If some punches need thrown, so be it.

"We've got to have each other's backs," outfielder Jarrod Dyson explained. "If you come at us, we're not going to back down. We're going to keep playing the game our way."

 And the Royals fans applaud.  YES!  We won't take being maltreated lying down.  We have to show others that we deserve that respect.

The Royals violent response has purpose.  It will keep them from being wrongly viewed in the future.  It will make positive change.

Just don't tell that to the protestors in Baltimore.  Their violence has no purpose.  Violence accomplishes nothing, the other side says.  It makes you a thug who doesn't care about yourself or your neighborhood.

We are happy to condone violence as a country.  You just need to be the right color, have the right socio-economic status, and have a worthy cause behind you like sports.

Waiting

The baby we thought would be ours is now 2 months old.  It has been a hard 2 months.  Lots of time spent grieving and trying to move forward.  We have been shown to a few other expectant parents, and were even almost chosen for a baby who is already born.  But, the nursery is still empty.

It's been a year since we started updating our home study.  We had to put off really doing anything with it until Scott switched jobs (a year ago in June).  But it's been a year since we decided our family had a spot left to fill.  A year of preparing to have a baby.  We are so ready, and so tired of waiting.

In 2 months Abe will be 3, and I was really hoping to have another baby by then.  I'm learning daily to let go of my picture of what my family will look like and when things will happen.  I don't get to control this situation or when things will happen.

In the meantime Abe and I are enjoying our days together.  I've never had a 2-year-old while not having a baby in the house too.  He is full of it and gives me a run for my money a lot of days, but its been fun to just enjoy this stage with him.

Easter

I broke down crying the night before Easter.  It was supposed to look different.  I was supposed to be hunting for matching little boy outfits.  I was expecting those feelings and emotions to come up as we scrambled around the night before preparing our home to host Easter Extravaganza 2015.

Beyond that, it was a really beautiful day.  Our home was overflowing with our closest friends and neighbors.

Here's a glimpse of our day.

Happy Easter! 

Time Away

Being by the water is like taking a deep breath for me.  So after how the last 6 months have gone, floating in the middle of an ocean on a ship was like getting to breathe fresh air for the first time in ages.

When my mom said she needed a warm, tropical getaway and wanted to bring me and my sisters along, I jumped at the chance.

The days were filled with lounging by the pool or looking out over the ocean and the nights were filled with shows, laughs, and entertainment.  There were no meals to prepare, noses to wipe, or fights to break up.

With the removal of the day-to-day duties, I was able to rest and process all that has happened.  It also allowed my sisters and I to deal with some underlying issues that have existed between us all for years.  Is there a family exist that doesn't have stuff to work through?  I think no.
 

Now I'm back home and back in the thick of fighting children, Scott getting caught up on work, and a messy house.  But I feel revived and ready to take it on.  Not drowning in emotions.  Feeling hopeful.

The nursery door is open, rather than shut hiding all signs of a baby behind it.  I cleaned the room, opened the curtains, and look into it with hope instead of sadness.  I've never felt so ready to bring a baby home, but also don't feel as though all my happiness is wrapped up in it.  It's a good place to be. At least for today.