For Want of Four

The answer was yes.  When Abraham was born, we jointly decided that if his birth mom ever found herself in a situation where she needed to place another baby, the answer would automatically be yes. No questions.  No consulting one another.  Just yes.

So when I got that call two and a half years, I said yes.  Then called Scott freaking out, crying, and with much joy.

She wasn't sure what she needed to do.  The decision, while her own, was influenced by many moving parts in her life.  In the end, she decided that baby needed to stay with her.  We were sad, but with that baby a seed was planted in our hearts that we had room in our lives for one more.

One more very wanted baby.

So a year after his birth, we finished up our home study and were set for a fourth.  If you've followed here for long, you know we were matched very quickly and poured our hearts into a woman just a few hours from us in Kansas who changed her mind about adoption at the last minute.

With broken hearts and spirits, we mourned, then picked up the pieces and started being shown again.

We got another call from Abe's birth mom.  A friend of hers was pregnant and wanted the baby to grow up with Abe.  It was a dire situation for this woman.  She needed out, and we did all we could to get her to a place of safety and stability.  She ended up miscarrying that baby in some tragic circumstances, so again, we mourned.  For her and for that baby.

Then I heard of an expectant mom in Michigan who needed a family for her child.  She couldn't find one that felt just right to her, but after praying over a stack of profiles, she found us and quit looking.  We again, with abandon, poured our hearts and lives into her and this baby.

I received a call two weeks before the fourth of July asking me to come adopt the baby in Kansas who was now four months old.  I drove out to pick him up.  I held him, played with him, and fell completely in love.  She decided she needed two more weeks to say goodbye and tell her other children when they returned from grandma's house.  She texted me a week later to say a friend convinced her to go through with it.

Then last week it all fell apart... again.  The baby in Michigan a week old now and in the NICU and we are home, without him.  While we cling to a sliver of hope that he will indeed end up with us, its fading fast.  Paternity test and then further decisions will decide where he ends up.

And sometimes the mourning just takes over.  How many times can this happen to one family?  Is this really what we were supposed to do?

The road forward from here isn't one toward another child.  Its one of moving forward with our three because at this point we have reached a point of emotional and financial exhaustion.

The thought of loving big again doesn't even feel possible.

And yet the longing for a fourth didn't go anywhere.  Its still there.  The nursery still sits empty.  Our hearts are still in it.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held 

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow 

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held 

If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior 

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

Abraham is 3!

He may be the most loved and adored 3-year-old ever.  Except when he decides to unsleep in the middle of the night.  We could do without that big guy.

 He's talking up a storm though.  His vocabulary keeps leaping and he's saying lots of long sentences and new words.

He's full on obsessed with trains.  All trains.  All the time.  He holds a particularly affinity to Thomas, but really will squeal over the sight of any train or train track and can watch youtube videos of trains endlessly.

He's not my bitty baby anymore.  No growth problems here!  He's now 31.4 pounds (50th%) and 38 1/8 inches tall (70th%).  He's wearing size 3T clothes and size 9 shoes.  He still fits into a pair of 18-24 month swim trunks though because he's so skinny that he can't hold a lot of them up!

His favorite food is chicken nuggets.  He won't turn down BBQ though.

He's attempting to drop his nap while I'm attempting to not let him.

He is so ready to be a big brother.  He adores babies and talks often about our new baby.

He knows all his colors and can count.  He's starting to enjoy imaginative play with his sisters, and is getting closer and closer with Annie which is fun to watch as he used to always favor Evelyn.

And in most exciting news...he potty trained!  No more daytime diapers!  He's very independent with it as well.  When at home he often won't even tell me he has to go, just asks for help in getting his shorts back on afterward.  It's a miracle.

So basically he's the most amazing kid ever.

Summer in Full Swing!

We are a few weeks into summer, and while trying to get the calendar all updated (and overflowing...how does that happen??) I realized the kids go back to school two months from today.  Wild.  We've got a lot to fit into two months.

We've already fit a lot into the last 3 weeks!

Life doesn't appear to ever slow down for us.  I keep thinking that the new approaching season will finally be a break from the busy, but it never really happens.

Scott just hit his one year anniversary at his job.  The hours are a lot nicer.  We usually see him for dinner and there's rarely work required on the weekends.  But, he also travels a lot more.  It seems like at least once a month he's flying somewhere as well as driving to speak throughout Missouri and Kansas.

I'm occasionally sitting down these days, but it feels rare.  On top of caring for three very active kids, I've taken on a roll as CASA volunteer.  So in what has turned out to be almost the equivalent time-wise of a part-time job, I get to advocate for a large sibling group who is currently in foster care.  I've never found something I enjoy doing like I enjoy this.  It's stressful to get accomplished and done well, but it's been so rewarding for me.

The house seems perpetually messy, dishes and laundry never caught up, and the to do list only shrinks, never disappears these days.  We are still trying to figure out a balance of how to get the stuff accomplished I've always done in the past when my time feels much more constrained.  Not to mention, with the kids being older, they are busier and need out of the house more too!

It's into this that we are so excited to add a new baby.  Maybe we are crazy, but I am so, so excited.  In a weird and good way, babies slow me down.  You are more home bound.  Have to be more intentional with your time.  And no one expects the house to be clean or meals to be cooked when there's a newborn in the house.  I will use that as my excuse.

And speaking of the baby...IT'S A BOY!  In a strange turn of events, Scott and I ended up spending the weekend in Nashville with the expectant mom we are matched with when she went into preterm labor while at a family reunion.  Thankfully the baby stayed in, and she is safely back home in Michigan now.  The weekend ended up being such a great time though.  I got to spend a full two days with her and we had about as much fun as you can have in a hospital on bed rest.

So we are gearing up for baby to come anytime now.  We really, really hope he will stay in until at least July when he will be 30 weeks gestation.  Making it to August though would be huge!

Last Day of School 2015

I've been so busy I haven't even gotten pics posted of some important events that have happened lately.  I don't want to lose these pics of the stories around them, so they will just have to be late.

This year Evelyn completed Kindergarten and Annie did a year of 4-year-old preschool.

This one clearly gets her flair for the dramatic and her height from her mom.  She has blossomed so much this year.  Her speech, writing, and math sense have progressed more than we ever thought they would.  I'm so proud of her.

Dear, sweet Annie is growing so much.  She has done great adjusting to being at school during the day.  She is always worn out and snuggly by the time she gets home.  

The girls were adamant that Abe be in the group photo too.

Annie at her awards ceremony.  She received the creativity award.

 Evelyn was so proud of herself.  The kids recited their memory verses from the year then had awards presented.

Matched Again!

"Here we go again!" ran through my mind as we got word that an expectant mom was interested in our family.  She had it narrowed down to a couple families she liked, but wanted to talk to us on the phone before making her decision.  She made her decision mid-phone call apparently!

While we were waiting for her to give official word to the agency that she wanted us to parent this baby, I was getting the mail from outside.  A package had arrived.  It was a baby blanket I had ordered from a friend 2 months prior because I needed to feel something.  I needed to still think a baby would join our family.

Like a little wink from God, there was the blanket and news of our hopeful baby at the same time.

So here's the details we keep being asked about!

We don't know the sex of the baby.  We may find out beforehand, it just depends on if another ultrasound happens and if the baby cooperates.

Baby is due on September 8, but for multiple reasons that are private to her, she may deliver anytime in the next few months.  So we are gearing up for either a long summer of waiting or potentially a summer of hanging in the NICU.

She lives in Michigan!  11 hours away from here.  So a NICU stay would be challenging.  Our prayer is that the baby sits tight and bakes until August.  We have lined up housing options in Michigan which is an amazing blessing as hotels get so expensive for long term stays.  We also may have the Ronald McDonald House as an option as well if the baby is hospitalized.

Also, she's wonderful.  I adore her.  We all want an open adoption moving forward, so are looking forward to getting that experience again.

I've also been asked for a list of needs.  Pray for us, encourage us, let us be scared and excited and unsure and overwhelmed all at the same time.  When the time comes we may need help with our kids, house, meals, or logistics.  I will try to be specific about needs we have as they arrive.  If you would like to help, feel free to list specific ways/things you could do so that if I need that thing I can ask!  I've always felt as though we had a whole village walking along this with us and its invaluable to us!

I've Become a Cynic

Abe asked me where his baby brother is today.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  There are lots of hearts in my home that are ready for a new little person to join us.  It was one more thing lain on my own weary heart.

The amount of brokenness in my life right now has left me feeling cynical.  Which really, is an awful place to be.  Cynicism is a defeated weariness.  I've developed so much scar tissue from the pain of the last 4 months that I don't even want to expose myself to anything.  I want to hide away from it all until its past.  I don't want to trust God because I am actively questioning his goodness at times.  I'm not able to find joy in this adoption journey because I'm too aware of the pain of waiting and the hurt of things falling apart to even dare trust or hope.  I avoid attempting to restore relationship with my dad because I know what it feels like to once again be betrayed and that restoring relationship means taking a person as they are, faults and all.  It often feels better to be numb than to feel the depths of everything that has gone on this year.

My prayers feel empty.  Phony.  Devoid of relationship.

So I'm taking some time to engage life in a more meaningful way.  Focusing more on relationships that feed my soul.  Spending my time reading on topics that speak to where I am right now rather than zoning out numbly online.  And figuring out what this all means for where God and I are.

Violence Being the Answer

When the Royals are being mistreated, we cheer that they are fighting back.  You have to show the other team that you won't put up with not being respected, right?  If some punches need thrown, so be it.

"We've got to have each other's backs," outfielder Jarrod Dyson explained. "If you come at us, we're not going to back down. We're going to keep playing the game our way."

 And the Royals fans applaud.  YES!  We won't take being maltreated lying down.  We have to show others that we deserve that respect.

The Royals violent response has purpose.  It will keep them from being wrongly viewed in the future.  It will make positive change.

Just don't tell that to the protestors in Baltimore.  Their violence has no purpose.  Violence accomplishes nothing, the other side says.  It makes you a thug who doesn't care about yourself or your neighborhood.

We are happy to condone violence as a country.  You just need to be the right color, have the right socio-economic status, and have a worthy cause behind you like sports.